Being a mentor can be a rewarding and fruitful experience – a chance to participate in the awesome sanctification adventure of another believer - an opportunity to grow as a leader and impact the life of someone who needs you. But it can also be a frustrating experience – a time of little or no fruit that leaves you doubting, confused and discouraged. What makes the difference between discipleship that ROCKS, and discipleship that ROTS?
The following article is based on a talk given to some high school youth leaders. These are the ten basic elements that I believe should be a part of healthy, good, vibrant discipleship relationships. Obviously there is more to discipleship than this article, but not less! It’s my hope you’ll find something here to inspire, motivate and encourage you in your various discipleship/mentoring relationships.
Element #1: The Discipleship Questionnaire.
I always use one of these as a first step in the discipleship process. It should be a simple, one-sided form that covers things like…
A brief sentence letting them know that you are excited/blessed that they have expressed interest in meeting with you, along with basic contact information for you should they have any questions about filling out the form. If you won't be able to explain the form in person, make sure there are ample instructions on how to fill it out and where/when they should drop it off. Let them know that this form is what you will use to help you determine whether or not you believe you are the best person to begin meeting with him/her and also whether or not the Lord is opening the door for you to do so.
Next should be a place for basic information about the person. Be sure to include things like a place for their name, age, contact information and email address. You may want to also include blanks that cover relationship status (married? divorced? single?), and family status (children? ages of children). Include a space for them to share how they heard about you, and space to briefly share their reasons for seeking you out for discipleship at this time.
Next your form may have several questions like: Is there a biblical topic or doctrinal/theological issue you would like to look at during our discipleship meetings? If so, please describe here: (leave space for an answer)
Is there a sin issue you are dealing with that you would like accountability on? Yes___ No___ If “yes” can you briefly describe here?
Is there any specific issue regarding family, spouse or other relationships you would like to investigate from a Christ-centered perspective?
Is there a biblical goal you would like to set and accomplish by the end of our discipleship time? If so, please describe here. (For example: I would like to have 10 verses memorized, or I would like you to help me to have a healthier prayer life or be more familiar with God’s Word in general, etc.)
Is there an emotional goal you would like to set and accomplish by the end of our discipleship time? If so, please describe here. (For example: I would like to begin to work on not losing my temper, or I would like to discover how to best handle seasons of depression)
Any other goals? If so, please describe here. (For example: I would like to consider forgiving a person I am very bitter towards, or I would like to learn how to take better care of my children, or I would like to find victory in my relationships with men, or I would like to find a healthy perspective on my relationship with my father, etc.)
Are there any additional issues/topics/thoughts you would like to study/discuss/debate/define, etc. during our meetings?
Anything else you want me to know before we meet for the first time?
What are the dates/times you are able to meet? Are you able to do up to 3 hours of discipleship homework each week if assigned?
Take some space on the back of this form to describe your expectations for discipleship meetings in general and your hopes for our discipleship meetings in particular. Please also briefly describe what you believe to be a healthy, positive discipleship relationship.
Finally, I will include the following paragraph on the bottom of my forms just above the signature line:
Note: Please be aware that I am not a licensed counselor but rather a sister in Christ who hopes to be used by God to help you along the sanctification path toward Christlikeness. I do not diagnose conditions, prescribe medications, or administer therapy. I do not perform the duties of a professional licensed counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist. Any input you receive from me must be carefully considered in light of God’s Word and the input, directives, etc. from those in authority in your life. Any input, directive, suggestion, advice, etc. that I give is based on the Bible and comes from a heart that believes that Jesus Christ is God’s Son and faith in Him and His work on the cross is the only way to an abundant life (as God defines it) here on earth, and eternal life with God after death. All my directives, advice, input, suggestions, etc. are optional and free. (You may need to re-word this based on what your organization requires and/or desires for discipleship meetings)
You may want the person to sign and date the form at the bottom.
MAKE SURE you do not lose this form or show it to anyone!!!!
Why this form?
Knowing the person’s overall needs, as well as their expectations for your meeting time BEFORE you commit to meeting with this person is just one more tool in helping you make the best decision possible regarding discipleship. It’s also another checkpoint of wisdom – a place to stop and prayerfully evaluate whether or not God is calling you into this person’s life in a significant way. I will usually take the completed form, read it over and then pray about the person, their needs and whether or not God wants me involved. Here are some other reasons I have found this form and prayer time so important…
a) When things get difficult with this person, I can rest in knowing that I did not enter into this relationship lightly. Knowing I also prayed and felt led into this relationship by Christ should inspire me to lean on Him to provide the strength, wisdom, compassion, etc. to persevere until He has accomplished what He desires.
b) If tempted to feel like we aren’t accomplishing anything, I can go back to the discipleship form and re-examine what our original goals were. These goals should help me stay focused and avoid trying to “perfect” the person. I must always remember that I am just a small part of the sanctification process – I am not the ONLY part! (1 Corinthians 3:6-8) Before moving onto another goal we may want to fill out another form and re-decide whether or not this is a good discipleship pairing. Breaking it up into little bits like this is REALLY important for me.
c) If I need to bring our discipleship relationship to a premature end, I can rest in knowing that it is not because I foolishly rushed in where I should not have.
d) If there are ways I will fall short of the expectations of the individual, (and often these expectations can be unbiblical) I will be able to see this IN ADVANCE by carefully reading her form. I can then take the time to explain what I see and the ways she may feel I will fall short. (For example, if she is looking for a “best friend” – I can share how that will not be my intention, nor do I think that would be the most helpful for what I perceive her needs are, etc.) We can thereby avoid unexpected and unnecessary disappointments which can muddy the waters in discipleship. This also puts the ball in her court up front, giving her the ability to foresee how expectations may not match up with who I am and/or my discipleship philosophy, and the freedom to enter into the relationship despite those differences or to wait for someone better suited to her expectations.
When I am NOT God’s best for this person
If I believe for any reason that the Lord is not giving the green light, I will then pray for guidance on who may be best equipped to meet with this person. When I go back to the person, I will hopefully have another individual to recommend who I believe may be better suited to speak God’s Truth into their lives. Simply because there is no one else is NOT a good enough reason to commit to a discipleship relationship. Our God is a God of order (1 Corinthians 14:33), and He will make sure you do not miss the person(s) He desires you to invest in.
If you believe you are being led to go to the next step in potentially meeting with this person, make sure you go over the questionnaire in depth at your first meeting and ask TONS of follow-up questions as appropriate. Once that is done, be prepared to share your own testimony and character traits with the individual. Outline what your goals would be for him/her and have an example of how you might seek to accomplish those goals as well as the kind of homework you are likely to assign. Be sure to end the meeting giving the person time to pray about whether or not he/she thinks meeting together would be a good thing, as well as a time when they should call you and let you know their decision. Let them know that if at any time they would prefer meeting with someone else, they should let you know and you will do all you can to find them someone to meet with who is a better fit with absolutely no hard feelings.
Element #2: Ground Rules.
Setting ground rules for your meeting time will help you maximize the fruitfulness of your discipleship relationship. While different people have different ideas of good discipleship guidelines, I have found the following helpful…
Confidentiality – if either of us wants to share something said in our discipleship meetings, we will first get the permission of the other one – no exceptions, even with spouses.
Homework – if homework is assigned, it will be completed on the date due. Completed homework is a good indication of commitment level. I will never expect more than 3 hours of homework per week.
Growth – if at any time either of us determines that the Lord is leading us to stop meeting in a discipleship capacity for any reason, or if we discover there is someone better suited to help with apparent needs, we will end the discipleship relationship with absolutely no hard feelings whatsoever.
No Wrong Questions – There are never any “taboos” or wrong questions, although there may be times when I seem very directive in the conversation simply to avoid wasting time.
Comfortability: Although I will feel free to ask many different questions, you should feel equal freedom to not answer any of my questions. You can also request a “pass” on any one issue if you are not ready to speak about something I bring up. Please note that “passes” are rare and will most likely be followed up on in later sessions.
Time Limit – I have set aside these 60 minutes to meet, so if you are late, we will still end on time. This time limit is all either of us can handle in a formal discipleship setting, but it is my hope we will spend other time together just “living life.”
Element #3: My Role As Mentor.
Giving the gift of being a mentor means taking on the responsibility of being “ahead” of the person you are meeting with. In spiritual maturity, emotional maturity, behavioral maturity and even intellectual maturity – it should be your goal to be someone who can truly say: “Follow me as I follow Christ.” For this to be a reality, it involves real commitment on the part of the mentor. Mentors must be people who are growing, teachable and diligent in their pursuit of God and study of His Word. That may mean seeking out a mentor yourself, or perhaps having someone holding you accountable for time in the Word, prayer time, etc. Being a mentor also means accepting the position of authority in the relationship. That means naturally maintaining a position of leadership that makes it possible for you to say the difficult things without the risk of suddenly becoming “the bad guy.” NOTE: Not everyone shares this philosophy, but I have found it very important when meeting with younger believers especially. Some things to consider in avoiding the “buddy syndrome.”
Never gossip and never listen to gossip.
When sharing personal details with the person you are mentoring, be careful to share only those things that you would not mind having repeated in front of your congregation.
Never pressure the person you meet with to act like you do.
Never try to dress or act like the person you meet with. Dress and act your age or older.
Don’t try to become the person’s best friend.
Be open about your victories and failures, but don’t exaggerate either one to emotionally manipulate.
Note: If you have a “moral failure” of any kind: confess (to the Lord and then to an elder and/or pastoral staff member of your church), repent and follow through with the discipline they outline, which should include (depending on the situation) your removal from any kind of ministry and/or teaching/leading until such a time as your church leadership believes you are able to be restored to ministry leadership. Make sure the person you meet with is informed as to why you cannot meet with him/her any longer, and ask church leadership to assign another person to pick up where you left off. NOTE: Please do not enter into a discipleship relationship unless you are mature enough as a believer to be highly unlikely to fall into any kind of moral failure. We are held to a higher standard as teachers (James 3:1) and we must help each other to take that role very seriously. For some resources on the qualifications of an elder and a healthy church, check out this website: www.9marks.org
Element #4: Don’t be God.
This is essential to crafting a healthy discipleship relationship (or any relationship for that matter!). REMEMBER: There is only ONE God, and you are not Him : ). There are several things to consider…
Never try to be the Holy Spirit. No matter how frustrated you are by the bad choices the person you are meeting with is making, DO NOT resort to guilt-tripping, pushing, shame, anger, hyper accountability or even a reward system to manipulate the person you meet with to change. True and lasting Christ-like change can only occur by the power of the Holy Spirit. We can do everything in our power to be used by the Holy Spirit, and to help the person we meet with to respond to the Holy Spirit, but ultimately change comes from the Holy Spirit, and we must remember that.
Never need the counselee to succeed or fail more than you need Christ’s approval. Never say things like: I am disappointed or I am frustrated with you, etc. Keep the focus on what God thinks/feels about them and their behavior.
Never be a superhero. When a crisis comes, don’t be too quick to jump in and save the day. Don’t always interrupt important family time to handle this person’s latest crisis. Consider whether or not this may be a wonderful opportunity for this person to find God faithful. If you are always saving the day, this person is only able to find YOU faithful!
Never allow over-dependence. Don’t spend long periods of time with the person on the phone. Avoid going beyond the one hour meeting time (most people stop listening/retaining after 45 minutes!). Maintain boundaries that are appropriate for discipleship relationships, including how much time you spend together. If you feel you may be allowing over-dependence, ask an objective person to evaluate your involvement.
Element #5: Keep God in the center.
In all my discipleship relationships, nothing is more tempting than to focus on the person rather than on Christ. But this is a mistake. Each meeting take some time to think about, talk about and concentrate on Jesus Christ and what makes Him so glorious. The attributes of God give you an endless supply of delightful things to ponder and examine. Who is God? What is He like? How can I please Him? What difference does it make? These are the foundational questions, discussions and thoughts we should be building upon in every relationship we have. (Jeremiah 9:24)
Element #6: Be an Active Listener.
Not just a good listener, but one who is in tune with the Holy Spirit and His leading in every matter that arises. This includes…
Being sure you are enjoying your own vibrant, intimate walk with Christ.
Spending lots of time listening and asking questions before giving out answers (Proverbs 18:13) (taking notes is important if you forget things like I do!)
Sharing from your own experience, but not talking too much. (Proverbs 18:2)
Planning exercises to truly understand where the person is coming from (life line, highs and lows, something to aim for, etc.)
Planning good homework for between meeting times that shows you are in tune with the person’s spiritual needs.
Element #7: Keep your Bible open.
If we truly believe God’s Word holds all of life’s answers, and that His Word is sufficient, perfect and the path of true life, we should always have His Word in our hearts, minds and laps during discipleship meetings. Memorizing passages, discussing Truth, drawing connections between real life and God’s Word should all be woven into our meeting times and life. Homework should also be geared toward getting the person back to God and Jesus through His Word. Don’t just talk about the Bible – open it and utilize it in discipleship! Keeping Christ and His Word central are the essential elements to good, meaningful and fruitful discipleship times.
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” (Psalm 119:105)
Element #8: Look at people with eyes of Hope!
I must constantly remind myself to NOT look at this person or his/her problems with my own eyes. I need Christ to help me see things the way He does – the way I know He looks at me each morning – with hope. How dare I have a cynical attitude toward the person He’s given me to help, when I would crumble if I thought Jesus had a cynical attitude toward me!! To help keep yourself in check, ask these questions regularly…
Am I believing God for amazing things in this person’s life? (Eph. 1:18)
Am I expecting God’s transforming work in the life of this person?
Am I hopeful each time we meet that this person is going to look a lot more like Jesus than he/she did last week?
Do I communicate that by searching for more Christ-likeness each time we meet? (as opposed to searching for sin only?) (Phil. 1:6)
Do I speak words of hope each and every time we meet? (1 Cor. 13:7)
Is it important to me that this person is hoping in God? (Psalm 42:5)
Am I careful to be cultivating faith and trust in God in my own life? (Prov. 3:5)
Do I believe that God can do anything? (Eph. 3:20)
Do I regularly talk about the amazing things God has done and will do? (Psalm 31:24)
Am I described as a hopeful person? (Psalm 33:18)
When my hopes are dashed, do I run to Christ or do I try to make the person feel guilty? (Psalm 62:5; Psalm 119:116)
Is my hope truly in the Lord? (Psalm 39:7)
“Love…bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)
Element #9: KEEP GROWING!
Find a mentor for you! Like we touched on earlier, when we are in leadership of any kind, being in a mentoring relationship of our own can be very helpful. Even a weekly prayer partner can be a great help in keeping you on track. And good discipleship includes communicating your own sanctification experience in a way the person you meet with can understand. That means being open about your own challenges, victories, etc. while at the same time being careful to not become the centerpiece of the meeting.
Find some good resources! If you love discipleship and feel gifted in that area, you will want to develop and grow your discipleship skills as well. We live in a time when there are so many resources and quality training available. Here are some places to go on the web that you might find helpful as you seek to build your resource library and become more and more adept in helping others lead a victorious life. National Association of Nouthetic Counselors: www.nanc.org Association of Biblical Counselors: www.christiancounseling.com
Element #10: Keep your sense of humor.
Everyone knows how much I love to laugh. Humor is a great blessing from God and can be very effective in discipleship. Just remember to be careful how you use humor. Ask questions about the effectiveness or ineffectiveness of your humor occasionally. Ask whether or not someone finds your humor offensive or irritating, and be SURE to NOT be offended when they tell you it offends them! A good rule of thumb: Never laugh at the person you meet with, or the difficult people in their lives, and laugh at yourself often – especially if it brings you joy and helps you to NOT take yourself too seriously. : )
These are my top ten – what are yours? I hope this helped you as you seek to be God’s best in the lives of those you lead. Blessings!
-Miss Kim
Scripture quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible®,Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973,1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)
The following article is based on a talk given to some high school youth leaders. These are the ten basic elements that I believe should be a part of healthy, good, vibrant discipleship relationships. Obviously there is more to discipleship than this article, but not less! It’s my hope you’ll find something here to inspire, motivate and encourage you in your various discipleship/mentoring relationships.
Element #1: The Discipleship Questionnaire.
I always use one of these as a first step in the discipleship process. It should be a simple, one-sided form that covers things like…
A brief sentence letting them know that you are excited/blessed that they have expressed interest in meeting with you, along with basic contact information for you should they have any questions about filling out the form. If you won't be able to explain the form in person, make sure there are ample instructions on how to fill it out and where/when they should drop it off. Let them know that this form is what you will use to help you determine whether or not you believe you are the best person to begin meeting with him/her and also whether or not the Lord is opening the door for you to do so.
Next should be a place for basic information about the person. Be sure to include things like a place for their name, age, contact information and email address. You may want to also include blanks that cover relationship status (married? divorced? single?), and family status (children? ages of children). Include a space for them to share how they heard about you, and space to briefly share their reasons for seeking you out for discipleship at this time.
Next your form may have several questions like: Is there a biblical topic or doctrinal/theological issue you would like to look at during our discipleship meetings? If so, please describe here: (leave space for an answer)
Is there a sin issue you are dealing with that you would like accountability on? Yes___ No___ If “yes” can you briefly describe here?
Is there any specific issue regarding family, spouse or other relationships you would like to investigate from a Christ-centered perspective?
Is there a biblical goal you would like to set and accomplish by the end of our discipleship time? If so, please describe here. (For example: I would like to have 10 verses memorized, or I would like you to help me to have a healthier prayer life or be more familiar with God’s Word in general, etc.)
Is there an emotional goal you would like to set and accomplish by the end of our discipleship time? If so, please describe here. (For example: I would like to begin to work on not losing my temper, or I would like to discover how to best handle seasons of depression)
Any other goals? If so, please describe here. (For example: I would like to consider forgiving a person I am very bitter towards, or I would like to learn how to take better care of my children, or I would like to find victory in my relationships with men, or I would like to find a healthy perspective on my relationship with my father, etc.)
Are there any additional issues/topics/thoughts you would like to study/discuss/debate/define, etc. during our meetings?
Anything else you want me to know before we meet for the first time?
What are the dates/times you are able to meet? Are you able to do up to 3 hours of discipleship homework each week if assigned?
Take some space on the back of this form to describe your expectations for discipleship meetings in general and your hopes for our discipleship meetings in particular. Please also briefly describe what you believe to be a healthy, positive discipleship relationship.
Finally, I will include the following paragraph on the bottom of my forms just above the signature line:
Note: Please be aware that I am not a licensed counselor but rather a sister in Christ who hopes to be used by God to help you along the sanctification path toward Christlikeness. I do not diagnose conditions, prescribe medications, or administer therapy. I do not perform the duties of a professional licensed counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist. Any input you receive from me must be carefully considered in light of God’s Word and the input, directives, etc. from those in authority in your life. Any input, directive, suggestion, advice, etc. that I give is based on the Bible and comes from a heart that believes that Jesus Christ is God’s Son and faith in Him and His work on the cross is the only way to an abundant life (as God defines it) here on earth, and eternal life with God after death. All my directives, advice, input, suggestions, etc. are optional and free. (You may need to re-word this based on what your organization requires and/or desires for discipleship meetings)
You may want the person to sign and date the form at the bottom.
MAKE SURE you do not lose this form or show it to anyone!!!!
Why this form?
Knowing the person’s overall needs, as well as their expectations for your meeting time BEFORE you commit to meeting with this person is just one more tool in helping you make the best decision possible regarding discipleship. It’s also another checkpoint of wisdom – a place to stop and prayerfully evaluate whether or not God is calling you into this person’s life in a significant way. I will usually take the completed form, read it over and then pray about the person, their needs and whether or not God wants me involved. Here are some other reasons I have found this form and prayer time so important…
a) When things get difficult with this person, I can rest in knowing that I did not enter into this relationship lightly. Knowing I also prayed and felt led into this relationship by Christ should inspire me to lean on Him to provide the strength, wisdom, compassion, etc. to persevere until He has accomplished what He desires.
b) If tempted to feel like we aren’t accomplishing anything, I can go back to the discipleship form and re-examine what our original goals were. These goals should help me stay focused and avoid trying to “perfect” the person. I must always remember that I am just a small part of the sanctification process – I am not the ONLY part! (1 Corinthians 3:6-8) Before moving onto another goal we may want to fill out another form and re-decide whether or not this is a good discipleship pairing. Breaking it up into little bits like this is REALLY important for me.
c) If I need to bring our discipleship relationship to a premature end, I can rest in knowing that it is not because I foolishly rushed in where I should not have.
d) If there are ways I will fall short of the expectations of the individual, (and often these expectations can be unbiblical) I will be able to see this IN ADVANCE by carefully reading her form. I can then take the time to explain what I see and the ways she may feel I will fall short. (For example, if she is looking for a “best friend” – I can share how that will not be my intention, nor do I think that would be the most helpful for what I perceive her needs are, etc.) We can thereby avoid unexpected and unnecessary disappointments which can muddy the waters in discipleship. This also puts the ball in her court up front, giving her the ability to foresee how expectations may not match up with who I am and/or my discipleship philosophy, and the freedom to enter into the relationship despite those differences or to wait for someone better suited to her expectations.
When I am NOT God’s best for this person
If I believe for any reason that the Lord is not giving the green light, I will then pray for guidance on who may be best equipped to meet with this person. When I go back to the person, I will hopefully have another individual to recommend who I believe may be better suited to speak God’s Truth into their lives. Simply because there is no one else is NOT a good enough reason to commit to a discipleship relationship. Our God is a God of order (1 Corinthians 14:33), and He will make sure you do not miss the person(s) He desires you to invest in.
If you believe you are being led to go to the next step in potentially meeting with this person, make sure you go over the questionnaire in depth at your first meeting and ask TONS of follow-up questions as appropriate. Once that is done, be prepared to share your own testimony and character traits with the individual. Outline what your goals would be for him/her and have an example of how you might seek to accomplish those goals as well as the kind of homework you are likely to assign. Be sure to end the meeting giving the person time to pray about whether or not he/she thinks meeting together would be a good thing, as well as a time when they should call you and let you know their decision. Let them know that if at any time they would prefer meeting with someone else, they should let you know and you will do all you can to find them someone to meet with who is a better fit with absolutely no hard feelings.
Element #2: Ground Rules.
Setting ground rules for your meeting time will help you maximize the fruitfulness of your discipleship relationship. While different people have different ideas of good discipleship guidelines, I have found the following helpful…
Confidentiality – if either of us wants to share something said in our discipleship meetings, we will first get the permission of the other one – no exceptions, even with spouses.
Homework – if homework is assigned, it will be completed on the date due. Completed homework is a good indication of commitment level. I will never expect more than 3 hours of homework per week.
Growth – if at any time either of us determines that the Lord is leading us to stop meeting in a discipleship capacity for any reason, or if we discover there is someone better suited to help with apparent needs, we will end the discipleship relationship with absolutely no hard feelings whatsoever.
No Wrong Questions – There are never any “taboos” or wrong questions, although there may be times when I seem very directive in the conversation simply to avoid wasting time.
Comfortability: Although I will feel free to ask many different questions, you should feel equal freedom to not answer any of my questions. You can also request a “pass” on any one issue if you are not ready to speak about something I bring up. Please note that “passes” are rare and will most likely be followed up on in later sessions.
Time Limit – I have set aside these 60 minutes to meet, so if you are late, we will still end on time. This time limit is all either of us can handle in a formal discipleship setting, but it is my hope we will spend other time together just “living life.”
Element #3: My Role As Mentor.
Giving the gift of being a mentor means taking on the responsibility of being “ahead” of the person you are meeting with. In spiritual maturity, emotional maturity, behavioral maturity and even intellectual maturity – it should be your goal to be someone who can truly say: “Follow me as I follow Christ.” For this to be a reality, it involves real commitment on the part of the mentor. Mentors must be people who are growing, teachable and diligent in their pursuit of God and study of His Word. That may mean seeking out a mentor yourself, or perhaps having someone holding you accountable for time in the Word, prayer time, etc. Being a mentor also means accepting the position of authority in the relationship. That means naturally maintaining a position of leadership that makes it possible for you to say the difficult things without the risk of suddenly becoming “the bad guy.” NOTE: Not everyone shares this philosophy, but I have found it very important when meeting with younger believers especially. Some things to consider in avoiding the “buddy syndrome.”
Never gossip and never listen to gossip.
When sharing personal details with the person you are mentoring, be careful to share only those things that you would not mind having repeated in front of your congregation.
Never pressure the person you meet with to act like you do.
Never try to dress or act like the person you meet with. Dress and act your age or older.
Don’t try to become the person’s best friend.
Be open about your victories and failures, but don’t exaggerate either one to emotionally manipulate.
Note: If you have a “moral failure” of any kind: confess (to the Lord and then to an elder and/or pastoral staff member of your church), repent and follow through with the discipline they outline, which should include (depending on the situation) your removal from any kind of ministry and/or teaching/leading until such a time as your church leadership believes you are able to be restored to ministry leadership. Make sure the person you meet with is informed as to why you cannot meet with him/her any longer, and ask church leadership to assign another person to pick up where you left off. NOTE: Please do not enter into a discipleship relationship unless you are mature enough as a believer to be highly unlikely to fall into any kind of moral failure. We are held to a higher standard as teachers (James 3:1) and we must help each other to take that role very seriously. For some resources on the qualifications of an elder and a healthy church, check out this website: www.9marks.org
Element #4: Don’t be God.
This is essential to crafting a healthy discipleship relationship (or any relationship for that matter!). REMEMBER: There is only ONE God, and you are not Him : ). There are several things to consider…
Never try to be the Holy Spirit. No matter how frustrated you are by the bad choices the person you are meeting with is making, DO NOT resort to guilt-tripping, pushing, shame, anger, hyper accountability or even a reward system to manipulate the person you meet with to change. True and lasting Christ-like change can only occur by the power of the Holy Spirit. We can do everything in our power to be used by the Holy Spirit, and to help the person we meet with to respond to the Holy Spirit, but ultimately change comes from the Holy Spirit, and we must remember that.
Never need the counselee to succeed or fail more than you need Christ’s approval. Never say things like: I am disappointed or I am frustrated with you, etc. Keep the focus on what God thinks/feels about them and their behavior.
Never be a superhero. When a crisis comes, don’t be too quick to jump in and save the day. Don’t always interrupt important family time to handle this person’s latest crisis. Consider whether or not this may be a wonderful opportunity for this person to find God faithful. If you are always saving the day, this person is only able to find YOU faithful!
Never allow over-dependence. Don’t spend long periods of time with the person on the phone. Avoid going beyond the one hour meeting time (most people stop listening/retaining after 45 minutes!). Maintain boundaries that are appropriate for discipleship relationships, including how much time you spend together. If you feel you may be allowing over-dependence, ask an objective person to evaluate your involvement.
Element #5: Keep God in the center.
In all my discipleship relationships, nothing is more tempting than to focus on the person rather than on Christ. But this is a mistake. Each meeting take some time to think about, talk about and concentrate on Jesus Christ and what makes Him so glorious. The attributes of God give you an endless supply of delightful things to ponder and examine. Who is God? What is He like? How can I please Him? What difference does it make? These are the foundational questions, discussions and thoughts we should be building upon in every relationship we have. (Jeremiah 9:24)
Element #6: Be an Active Listener.
Not just a good listener, but one who is in tune with the Holy Spirit and His leading in every matter that arises. This includes…
Being sure you are enjoying your own vibrant, intimate walk with Christ.
Spending lots of time listening and asking questions before giving out answers (Proverbs 18:13) (taking notes is important if you forget things like I do!)
Sharing from your own experience, but not talking too much. (Proverbs 18:2)
Planning exercises to truly understand where the person is coming from (life line, highs and lows, something to aim for, etc.)
Planning good homework for between meeting times that shows you are in tune with the person’s spiritual needs.
Element #7: Keep your Bible open.
If we truly believe God’s Word holds all of life’s answers, and that His Word is sufficient, perfect and the path of true life, we should always have His Word in our hearts, minds and laps during discipleship meetings. Memorizing passages, discussing Truth, drawing connections between real life and God’s Word should all be woven into our meeting times and life. Homework should also be geared toward getting the person back to God and Jesus through His Word. Don’t just talk about the Bible – open it and utilize it in discipleship! Keeping Christ and His Word central are the essential elements to good, meaningful and fruitful discipleship times.
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” (Psalm 119:105)
Element #8: Look at people with eyes of Hope!
I must constantly remind myself to NOT look at this person or his/her problems with my own eyes. I need Christ to help me see things the way He does – the way I know He looks at me each morning – with hope. How dare I have a cynical attitude toward the person He’s given me to help, when I would crumble if I thought Jesus had a cynical attitude toward me!! To help keep yourself in check, ask these questions regularly…
Am I believing God for amazing things in this person’s life? (Eph. 1:18)
Am I expecting God’s transforming work in the life of this person?
Am I hopeful each time we meet that this person is going to look a lot more like Jesus than he/she did last week?
Do I communicate that by searching for more Christ-likeness each time we meet? (as opposed to searching for sin only?) (Phil. 1:6)
Do I speak words of hope each and every time we meet? (1 Cor. 13:7)
Is it important to me that this person is hoping in God? (Psalm 42:5)
Am I careful to be cultivating faith and trust in God in my own life? (Prov. 3:5)
Do I believe that God can do anything? (Eph. 3:20)
Do I regularly talk about the amazing things God has done and will do? (Psalm 31:24)
Am I described as a hopeful person? (Psalm 33:18)
When my hopes are dashed, do I run to Christ or do I try to make the person feel guilty? (Psalm 62:5; Psalm 119:116)
Is my hope truly in the Lord? (Psalm 39:7)
“Love…bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)
Element #9: KEEP GROWING!
Find a mentor for you! Like we touched on earlier, when we are in leadership of any kind, being in a mentoring relationship of our own can be very helpful. Even a weekly prayer partner can be a great help in keeping you on track. And good discipleship includes communicating your own sanctification experience in a way the person you meet with can understand. That means being open about your own challenges, victories, etc. while at the same time being careful to not become the centerpiece of the meeting.
Find some good resources! If you love discipleship and feel gifted in that area, you will want to develop and grow your discipleship skills as well. We live in a time when there are so many resources and quality training available. Here are some places to go on the web that you might find helpful as you seek to build your resource library and become more and more adept in helping others lead a victorious life. National Association of Nouthetic Counselors: www.nanc.org Association of Biblical Counselors: www.christiancounseling.com
Element #10: Keep your sense of humor.
Everyone knows how much I love to laugh. Humor is a great blessing from God and can be very effective in discipleship. Just remember to be careful how you use humor. Ask questions about the effectiveness or ineffectiveness of your humor occasionally. Ask whether or not someone finds your humor offensive or irritating, and be SURE to NOT be offended when they tell you it offends them! A good rule of thumb: Never laugh at the person you meet with, or the difficult people in their lives, and laugh at yourself often – especially if it brings you joy and helps you to NOT take yourself too seriously. : )
These are my top ten – what are yours? I hope this helped you as you seek to be God’s best in the lives of those you lead. Blessings!
-Miss Kim
Scripture quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible®,Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973,1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)
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