He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip.” (Prov. 20:19)
In my 20 years of ministry experience, one thing hasn’t changed – the way gossip ruins Christian community. And it wasn't until 8 years ago that I had an opportunity to actually do something about it! As the Director of an all-girls summer camp, I was able to put into place an official “No-Gossip Policy” for campers and staff alike. I write today to share what I learned from that experience and (Lord willing!) to inspire others to consider creating and implementing an official “No-Gossip Policy” of their own.
For Directors, Teachers, Ministry Leaders, etc.
If you’ve ever been called on to provide an environment where believers of all maturity levels can be transformed into the image of Christ as quickly and as permanently as possible, I hope you’ll consider tackling gossip as a means to that end. Whether you are a mom (the small community that lives in your home) a teacher (the community of your class) ministry leader (the community of your ministry team) resident assistant (the community of your dorm floor) and, well, you get the picture – you are in some way responsible for crafting a nurturing environment for the younger Christians in your care. It is my hope this article will assist you as you seek to provide healthy, safe, Christ-exalting Christian communities where young believers can thrive.
The Goal
My hope is that those who read this article will..
Better understand the damage of gossip and the need for a proactive plan to stop it.
Catch the vision of Christ-centered community where biblical, God-honoring conflict resolution are the norm, not the bizarre exception.
Find helpful ideas on how to craft a “No-Gossip Policy” uniquely suited to your people.
Understand how to support younger believers as they seek to live out God’s principles His way for His glory with His resources.
Get excited about gossip-free community, and begin spreading the word to other communities of believers, helping them to establish their own.
What’s the Big Deal About Gossip?
If you’ve lived/worked with other believers for more than a day, you instinctively know how gossip can kill things like vulnerability, trust and freedom of communication. But have you considered other things gossip brings into community?
FEAR – the wrong kind of fear is toxic to any team. The kind of fear gossip helps to produce is an unhealthy self-focus paired with a strong fear of man that keeps people busy “testing the waters” of public opinion rather than busy pleasing Christ. “For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.” (Gal. 1:10)
FALSEHOOD – pretending is an epidemic, even in the church. “You are either going to spend all of your time and energy pretending to be the person God wants you to be, or you will spend all of your time and energy actually becoming the person God wants you to be, but you can’t do both!” (to actually quote myself!) Gossip leads to all kinds of pretending, and real growth is killed in the process. “O Lord, who may abide in Thy tent? Who may dwell on Thy holy hill? He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness, and speaks truth in his heart. He does not slander with his tongue, nor does evil to his neighbor, nor takes up a reproach against his friend” (Psalm 15:1-3)
FRETTING – People who are afraid of being talked about in the next gossip session spend more hours than you know worrying. Think nail biting, hair pulling, zoning out and worse. Did you know worry and sickness have a direct correlation? Did you know fretting and evil have a direct correlation? “Do not fret, it leads only to evildoing.” (Psalm 37:8b)
FATIGUE – People forced to work and/or minister where gossip goes unchecked feel like they are on the performance treadmill of life. One false step and they will soon be face first in the rejection pile of discarded losers. Keeping up with gossip is tiring and can be at the root of “burn out” for many of your brightest stars. “Everyone deceives his neighbor, and does not speak the truth, they have taught their tongue to speak lies; they weary themselves committing iniquity.” (Jeremiah 9:5)
FUTILITY - Where there is gossip there is a world where people spend themselves trying to live up to the ever changing expectations of others. A world where one day they are worth something, and the next day they aren’t. A world where the imagined accusations are almost worse than the actual ones. But did you know that for believers there is another world available – even this side of heaven? A world where people feel free to be genuine, because they aren’t terrified of making mistakes. A vibrant, stable environment that fosters Christ-centeredness and strong, healthy bonds of God-honoring love between believers. A place where people who are serious about learning how to submit themselves to Christ and His Word can actually “try out” their wings and fly inside a safe place they call: My Christian Community. Whether it’s your home, your staff, your neighborhood, your camp, your dorm or your workplace, THAT kind of environment is what real Christian community is about, and part of providing it includes killing gossip!
What Is Gossip?
Gossip is speaking about an absent person to another person or group of people in an uncomplimentary way with the intent to tear down, destroy and/or cause other negative things to happen. It can be telling lies you know are lies which is called “slander” (Psalm 50:20), or repeating uncomplimentary things (perhaps even true things) for the purpose of hurting, not helping (Proverbs 11:13; Numbers 12:9; James 4:11). Put simply, gossip is ANY time we speak (or email, text message, etc.) about someone we know personally, in an uncomplimentary way, when we are NOT doing so to insure the safety of the person or others, and when we ARE doing so in a way that is seeking to tear down, destroy and/or cause negative things to happen to the person in question.
“Do not complain, brethren, against one another, that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door.” (James 5:9)
The Wrong Way
Ever had your feelings hurt by another believer? Instead of the biblical response, many believers easily fall into what I call the “6-Step Plan for Destroying Community”
Step #1 – Jump to the worst possible conclusions about what you think may have happened.
Step #2 – Assign the offender the worst possible motivations toward you in the matter.
Step #3 – Spend time being shocked and/or crushed, but be certain not to pray at all; feel awful. Step #4 – Think of someone who thinks you are special all the time and call that person.
Step #5 – Speak negatively about the person who has offended you, get listener “on your side.”
Step #6 – Wonder why you don’t feel any better and find others to share with. If anyone should suggest you actually speak to the person in question, ignore them and plan to never share with that person again. See offender and pretend things are fine. Continue to wonder why you actually feel worse now.
When we follow the 6-step plan, we are teaching everyone who watches (saved and unsaved) some toxic principles that will come back to bite them (and us) later in life…
TOXIC PRINCIPLES WE TEACH OTHERS WHEN WE GOSSIP
Toxic Principle #1 We need not always follow God’s way of dealing with things.
Why is this toxic? It makes others wonder: If God and His Word are that great, why would anyone need to come up with another plan? It also teaches people we have no fear of God. God commands us to obey His Words (even the pagan knows that!) but when we ignore Him and His Word for seemingly small reasons, what does that say about what we truly believe about God and His Word?
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)
Toxic Principle #2 Our love for others has it’s limits, and I can choose to stop loving you.
Why is this toxic? It makes others think: If he/she can “give up” on a person (especially another believer), I may be next. If you are not ruled by the love of Christ and/or His Word, you are ruled by something subjective. Is that what Christ is like? Does He love like this? And if He does, is He worth pursuing? Are you? At the very least it will lead others to believe your love is performance based and temporary, but true “Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:8) and true lovers of others love with the love of Christ, which seeks reconciliation, truth, God’s best, etc.
Toxic Principle #3 Believers are just like everyone else when it comes to conflict.
Why is this toxic? Because we aren’t. We have the Holy Spirit, Jesus, the Word of God. We have everything we need for life and godliness according to 2 Peter 1:3. We MUST stand out as different from the world, and how we deal with conflict is a perfect opportunity for that!
“Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14)
SO WHAT IS GOD’S ANSWER TO AVOIDING GOSSIP?
God’s 2-step Plan To Avoiding Gossip and Staying Healthy in Community
His plan is simple, but cannot be followed without the Holy Spirit empowering us.
Assuming you already have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ, and assuming you already are seeking to love others with the love of Christ (even those unlovable ones!), here is what I believe the Bible says to do when other people hurt us and we are tempted to “hurt back” instead of returning good for evil as we are taught to do in Luke 6:28 & 35, Matthew 5:44 and Romans 12:20.
Step # 1: STOP and Run to Jesus
When we get our feelings hurt, (even if we think we shouldn’t feel hurt) we MUST take our pain burdens, big and small, to the cross. That means when something painful happens we must STOP:
be Silent for one minute after first finding out about it - pray during this time for wisdom.
“Tremble and do not sin; meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still.” (Psalm 4:4)
Take whatever it is to Jesus – tell Him the whole story – Jesus is a friend that sticks closer than a brother!
“Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” (Psalm 55:22)
Open God’s Word and ask the Holy Spirit to lead you to the right passage that will give you wisdom for the situation, comfort, strength to forgive, hope to believe the best, clarity of thinking, etc. Find out what He says about whatever you are facing, search the Scriptures – it’s in there!
“Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” (Psalm 119:105)
Praise God, not that someone hurt you, but that the hurt brought you to Him.
“In everything give thanks for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thess. 5:18)
Running To Jesus – the best run in the world!
After you’ve gone through S-T-O-P – here is what to do next as you seek the Lord in prayer…
BE HONEST with yourself and with the Lord about what you believe has happened. Tell Him as best you can what you think has happened and why it has hurt you. (Remember that He is God, so speak to Him as God, (treat Him as holy – Leviticus 10:3), but DO speak to Him. And being God, He knows you quite well – He will not be shocked by an honest sharing of your feelings. If you are still unsure how to do this, read the Psalms. Here you will find how the writers of the Psalms poured out their hearts to Him, and yet still treated Him as a God who must be treated as holy, even when we are upset.
WAIT (Isaiah 64:4) for Him to speak to you through His Word and directly through prayer (remember that He will never say anything that contradicts His Word, AND that He still speaks, so have faith that He has something to say to you as one of His children - Hebrews 11:6). Keep your Bible on your lap during this part, and see if He might lead you to a certain passage and speak that passage to you in a fresh way that applies to you and your situation. If you find yourself confused, even after spending time in this way, ask Him to give you the discernment and courage to go to someone more mature than you are in the faith and get wise counsel regarding the situation.
GIVE your fears, bitterness, etc. to Him and ask Him to help you to not pick them back up again as soon as you say Amen. Ask for healing in the hurt area, insight as to why someone is able to hurt you so deeply, strength to be ready to forgive the person when you go to speak with him/her, trust in Christ to continue to meet your needs, even if the person does not respond well, and whatever else you need to say to share the situation appropriately with the Lord Who loves you and wants you to come to Him.
COMMIT to saying “yes” to what He asks you to do next (be sure this plan agrees with Scripture – see below). Let Him know you desire with all your heart to be Christ-like in handling this difficult thing that has happened.
When something happens and we run to Jesus FIRST, we are glorifying Him because we are showing Him, ourselves and the spiritual realm that He is the most important thing in our lives. Not chocolate, not coffee, not the phone – HIM! We are also proclaiming a very important message: Jesus Christ can meet our needs, even in the darkest hour (Isaiah 51:12). It takes discipline, it takes dependence on the Holy Spirit, it may take accountability, and it will take a moving of the Lord in our lives, but it IS possible. Ask Him to help you to remember this all important step – and He will, because it is His will you go to Him first, every time…
“Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
Step #2 – Doing the Most Loving Thing – even after we feel better about the problem!
Because Jesus Christ is alive and REAL – we WILL feel differently about our situation after spending actual time with Jesus Christ. Often times believers drop out of God’s plan at this point and go back to their own way of dealing with life. Despite making a good first move and choosing the high road in terms of seeking Christ first, believers will often fail to go the full nine yards to the goal of reconciliation and glorification of Christ within community. I’ve often heard people say: “Oh, I’ve forgiven her, but I don’t feel I ever need to speak to her again.” Or “I’ve given him too many chances – I’m giving up on him.” As believers we do not have the luxury of cutting people out of our hearts or even staying silent on a real or perceived injury between saved people! Biblical unity is important to God and we must follow His plan for it. (Psalm 133:1, Eph. 4:3, Col. 3:14). Sometimes people will say: “But they won’t listen.” But that is not up to you. The righteousness of your actions does not depend on the response of others. You have agreed to do things God’s way, for His glory. Even when they do not listen (a very real possibility!) and perhaps behave like unsaved people, we are still mandated to “treat them like an unbeliever” which means to pray for them, hope God’s best for them, be ready to receive their repentance, etc. So Step #2 in God’s Plan is to do the most loving thing as God defines it and to seek to take the next step toward reconciliation. But how do we do that?
The Forgotten Art of Reconciliation
When we have been sinned against by another believer, we have a very clear biblical plan to lead us back to fellowship. It’s found in Matthew chapter 18:15-17.
“And if your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer.”
So when someone offends us, once we have gone to Jesus to have the hurt (real or imagined) dealt with, and when we are convinced (by prayer and reading God’s Word) that the most loving thing to do for this person is to go to them and let them know how you received whatever occurred, the next thing we do is to MAKE A PLAN and then ACTUALLY GO to the one who hurt us. Even if we find out we are wrong in the entire matter, we must go and seek to find hope and healing for this relationship (Matt. 5:23) so that our most important relationship (our relationship with God) will not be hindered in any way.
WHAT IF I’M AFRAID TO GO IN PERSON?
If the person in question has demonstrated an inability to control themselves IN ANY WAY (a lack of self control) and you are concerned about the person losing control, you should not go and confront the person alone. “A man of violence entices his neighbor, and leads him in a way that is not good." (Prov. 16:29). In fact, depending on the type and extent of lack of self control, confronting the sin issue may need to wait until safety can be insured. Be sure to make wise decisions, and do not put yourself or others in danger. REMEMBER: You are to do the most loving thing, which includes being wise, as Jesus said: “be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves.” (Matt. 10:16) If you are afraid to go and confront the person for ANY REASON – even if that reason involves your own fear of making things worse, it is always acceptable to seek out an older, more mature Christian and get wise counsel BEFORE doing anything else (see below: “When is Gossip Not Gossip?”)
How Can I Help The People In My Community To Follow God’s 2-Step Plan?
Now that you have an overview of what is needed, here is my 7-step plan to making “No-Gossip” an enjoyable reality in your own home or ministry team.
Step #1 Define gossip clearly for everyone – make it a definition you can all agree upon. You’ve already read a few possibilities in this article, but it can really help to get everyone’s input. It may also open a door to find out where the real gossip power house is in your group. Ask questions like: “What is gossip and when does it happen here? What makes it bad for us? Why is it difficult to be vulnerable when people gossip?” Then spend some time examining God’s perspective on the habit. (see previous verses, plus Proverbs 20:19, Proverbs 11:13, 1 Timothy 5:13; Romans 1:29, 2 Corinthians 12:20, Proverbs 11:9, Matthew 18:15-17 for starters). Be prepared to take input, record what you learn and come up with a written definition everyone (God and His Word included) agrees with.
Step #2 Lay out a biblical action plan for handling hurts and inspire people regarding it. Matthew 18 is a very straightforward passage to begin with, and there are other biblical texts you can root your “No-Gossip Policy” that could be equally effective. Simply saying: “Gossip is against the rules now” will miss the mark. Your people need to be on board with you in every way. They need to see the damage gossip does, and they need to agree with and love God’s perfect plan for avoiding it. That involves intentional, pro-active plans on the part of any ministry leader, including communication of that plan in such a way as to inspire your leaders to own it for themselves. Gossip happens in secret – so if you don’t get to the hearts of your leaders, they will secretly continue to do it.
Step #3 Provide Support for following the No-Gossip Plan
Simply expecting people to stop gossiping after years of doing so is like expecting other things to just change one day. It will take modeling, consistency and an environment where people can openly admit they struggle with even this basic discipline (and find help). Providing that means being a no-gossip leader – holding yourself to an even higher level of accountability in terms of not gossiping than you hold your leaders to. In addition to modeling, you must provide a tangible accountability plan to assist your leaders to take it seriously. For example: “If you are caught ignoring our no-gossip policy and it is determined you are purposely seeking to destroy the biblical community we are seeking to establish here, you will have a one-on-one meeting with _______________ to discuss what went wrong.” Second offense could mean more serious action like loss of privileges. The people who gossip (and the people who are afraid to communicate because of gossip) must know you mean to enforce this policy for it to work. They need to know and believe this is important in terms of accomplishing whatever mission God has called you to. They need to see that not following this policy has ramifications far greater than they perhaps ever considered.
So now that your are inspired, your leaders have given input and are inspired, go to the next step of…
Step #4 Put It In Writing
Here is what a typical No-Gossip policy might look like on paper. Please note this is just a suggested outline and can only serve as an “idea starter” for your own “No Gossip Policy”
No-Gossip Policy 2007 for the Christian Ministry of Blank
Philosophy
Why develop a No-Gossip Policy?
We have a short period of time in which to accomplish the mission God has graciously given us to perform. In order to perform this mission we need a healthy, vibrant, inter-dependent team of believers who can be free, honest and appropriately vulnerable. We believe creating a No-Gossip policy (and not just wishing people would stop gossiping) will assist us to that end. We have not had a problem with gossip up until this point, but would like to insure everyone currently on staff, as well as our potential future staffers understand our position on this important element of community and communication.
Gossip defined: Gossip is speaking about an absent person to another person or group of people in an uncomplimentary way with the intent to tear down, destroy and/or cause other negative things to happen. It can be telling lies you know are lies which is called “slander” (Psalm 50:20), or repeating uncomplimentary things (perhaps even true things) for the purpose of hurting, not helping (Proverbs 11:13; Numbers 12:9; James 4:11). Put simply, gossip is ANY time we speak (or email, text message, etc.) about someone we know personally, in an uncomplimentary way, when we are NOT doing so to insure the safety of the person or others, and when we ARE doing so in a way that is seeking to tear down, destroy and/or cause negative things to happen to the person in question.
Overview of policy:
We are serious about building a community of staff members (or family members, or campers, or whomever) who can be free to discover God’s best for their lives. Because of this, we have decided to make an official rule against gossip and help each of our staff members follow it and grow healthy habits in the area of conflict resolution and reconciliation. Please note this does not include negative criticisms of people in the public arena (including special speakers, public figures, government officials, etc. as those people have invited criticism as a healthy part of being in the public arena). Even in these cases we will seek to share our criticisms in a way that we would not be ashamed of if the opportunity to share with the speaker in question were presented to us.
We further understand that people inside community (even a Christian one) are not perfect. We want to handle the sins and honest mistakes of others in a biblical way that promotes a healthy community and best glorifies Christ. God gives us specific ways to do just that according to Matthew 18:15-17. In addition, the following biblical standards apply:
NOTE: We understand that at times it may be necessary to speak about someone before you speak to them, especially where safety (physical, emotional, spiritual, mental) is concerned. Whether it is the safety of the individual doing the confronting, or the safety of the person being confronted, or some other safety concern, we must take seriously the biblical call to be wise. In those cases where safety is not an issue, (and where further counsel is not needed – see below) each of us will do our best to abide by God’s plan for a healthy, biblical community. God gives us an excellent way to deal with difficulty and we plan to do things God’s way. To sum up…
1. We will do all in our power (as God enables us) to speak only those words that build up.
“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” (Eph. 4:29)
2. When someone sins against us (or we think they have) we will do our best to go to Christ first with the offense and seek Him and His Word on the subject. We will also seek to encourage others to do so as well.
3. When someone sins against us (or we think they have) we will do our best to speak to them first (as long as safety is not an issue, and further counsel is not needed) according to the following guidelines..
a. What Scripture did they violate? Am I certain this is a sin issue?
b. Have I spent sufficient time with the Lord to be ready to forgive this person should they repent?
c. Is it truly my desire to do the most loving thing, on God’s terms, empowered by Him for His glory?
d. Is there anything I need to seek forgiveness for in this issue?
e. Am I certain it is safe to go and confront alone? (if not, DO NOT)
f. Am I certain I am seeing this conflict clearly, or should I first get wise counsel?
g. If the person repents of their sin, do I have a clear idea of what my response should be? Have trust issues been broken that will take time to heal, despite being ready to forgive this person?
h. If the person does not repent, am I prepared to bring another brother/sister in Christ into the matter to help me follow through? Am I ready to let this person know I plan to do just that?
i. Do I understand that by forgiving this person I am not necessarily agreeing to trust them again? Am I willing to be wise with how I proceed in this relationship, even if the person repents?
Note: Forgiveness and trust are two different issues, yet people often confuse them. While I may forgive the person immediately, I may not trust them for years, based on what the offense was. This does not give me a right to constantly berate the person with past failure, but it also does not mean I am now bound to trust the person again on any level. Wisdom may dictate that I put into place certain practices that will help the untrustworthy individual keep from being overly tempted to hurt me in this way again. (for example, it may be necessary to let the individual know I can no longer be alone with him/her until he/she shows a level of self control, etc.) By abiding by those practices, I will make it clear that I still love the individual in question, and look forward to the day when our relationship can be free from boundaries in this way.
i. Am I judging this person and their actions by a standard I am willing to be judged by?
j. Am I “hoping the best” of this person – or am I already assuming the worst?
The Agreement
I have had the No-Gossip Policy explained to me in detail, and I understand and agree with the biblical principles and community philosophy behind the policy. I furthermore agree to abide by it to the best of my ability, according to the biblical principles set out in Matthew 18:15-17. If I need help in confronting someone who has hurt me in any way, I will seek out a supervisor (or leader, or older Christian) for assistance and/or wise counsel BEFORE proceeding further. If I am confused as to whether or not I have been sinned against, I will seek out a person more mature in the faith than I am to gain more wisdom on the matter. If I am uncomfortable with this policy in ANY way I will not sign below and I will take my concerns to my supervisor(s). If I become uncomfortable with this policy after signing below, I will speak to my supervisor(s) about it and seek to resolve any questions/concerns I have immediately. I am excited about building a community where people can be free to discover God’s best for their lives, even though that may include working through difficulties with other believers. I am excited to do my best to deal with the mistakes of others in a loving, God-honoring way. It helps me to know that if I offend someone, I will typically be the first to learn about it (except where safety is concerned and/or where the person I have offended seeks out wise counsel in order to handle our future reconciliation in the best possible way). It also helps me to be responsible inside community, knowing that my mistakes will most likely be followed up on by my fellow staffers, friends and/or supervisors until good, biblical reconciliation and/or resolution can be attained. I understand that ignoring the No-Gossip Policy may result in consequences of some kind, and I agree to receiving those consequences should my behavior warrant them. I plan to be a part of the edifying process of helping others to be more like Christ by building them up with my words, not tearing them down. When someone hurts me I plan to go to Christ first, and then to His Word, and then (in the power of the Holy Spirit) to my brother and/or sister with the desire to love him or her on God’s terms, always seeking to do the most loving thing. As the Lord empowers me, I hope to be a part of His wonderful plan for this team (or family, staff, etc.) that God has placed me on.
Signed___________________________________ Date ______________
The above should serve as an “idea starter” for your own No Gossip Policy. Please be sure to consult your own legal counsel when necessary and/or appropriate.
Step #3 Seek forgiveness/reconciliation for gossip that has gone before. Gossip within a team or within a family can really hinder glorification of Christ by impeding you in your God-ordained mission/ministry. CONFESS your sin to God. ADMIT your sin to the individuals you’ve gossiped about. SEEK biblical forgiveness (not saying: I’m sorry, but rather – I was wrong for not coming to you first with this, do you forgive me?”) CORRECT the gossip by going to the people you’ve talked to and letting them know you were wrong to share in that way, etc. COMMIT to never doing it again, period. (Please note: getting wise counsel about a situation you are seeking to see come to biblical resolution is not gossip – see below).
Step #4 Communicate your No Gossip Policy to anyone that touches your family or organization. It should be something you are proud to share with others – something that helps you to stand out from the crowd as a distinct, Christ-exalting community. Make sure it is actually producing the kind of God-honoring, freeing, vibrant, healthy community you set out for it to produce, and then share those results over and over with others, gaining more and more support for the standard, shining the light on God and His Word as the perfect authority for our lives. I recommend putting it in your promotional literature where possible. I think you’ll be amazed at how many people long for a place where gossip is being officially ruled out by thoughtful, caring leadership.
Step #5 Never give up on anyone. Our children and friends need to see that we live by a standard that is not dependent on human responses, but rather on God’s Truth! We DECIDE to love others, just like Christ DECIDED to love us! We love others with the love of Christ, even when that love is not received as love. Even when it gets rough – even when we don’t feel like it. The people that look up to us need to see and love the fact that we are led and controlled by the Spirit of Christ and His Word, not the spirit of the world. Even when people fail us, it is so powerful to prayerfully consider what is the most loving thing to do, and then follow through and do it! Anyone who gets a chance to witness this kind of authentic faith inside Christian community is much more likely to grow up to be genuine follower of Christ themselves.
Step #6 Whenever gossip begins, GRACIOUSLY put a STOP to it. Interrupt gossip sessions by saying things like: “Is that person here right now?” and “What do you guys think is the most loving thing to do?” YES – you may be persecuted for shutting down gossip this way, but you are also communicating some pretty wonderful things as well. Things like…
You want to please Christ more than you care what others think – He must be worth it!
You are the type of person that can be trusted to protect the absent person – that’s cool.
You are able to be gracious and firm when it comes to doing things God’s way – rock on!
Discuss with your friends, (kids, staffers, etc.) what it means to love others on God’s terms, not our own. Help them follow God’s way, even though it can be uncomfortable, messy and difficult. In the end you will be helping them further down the path that leads to life! A great book about the depth of God’s love: The Difficult Doctrine of the Love of God by D.A. Carson.
Step #7 Accept at the outset that mistakes will be made and have a solid plan in place for how to deal with it. First offense: a meeting. Second offense: loss of privilege. Third offense: loss of leadership position, etc. Commit to being the cheerleader for the No-Gossip Policy, even when people struggle with it. Keep the goals and benefits in mind and keep pointing others (and yourself) back to Christ for why you are doing what you are doing. He’s worth the effort!
What Benefits Are There? Is This Really Worth The Effort?
In addition to the many untold blessings of doing things God’s way for His glory that I can’t even begin to fathom or communicate, here is a list of just some of the blessings of a No-Gossip Policy I have personally witnessed
The enjoyment of living in a biblical community where God’s Way is upheld in a grace-filled way, to the best of our abilities in the strength of His Holy Spirit for the glory of Jesus Christ in a way that brings about freedom and life (2 Cor. 3:6 and 17)
It is very helpful in understanding God’s unconditional love (decision love) when you are called to live out that love on a day to day basis with real people inside actual circumstances.
The sense of emotional and spiritual safety that accompanies the No-Gossip Policy (or should if done well) frees people (even people as young as 8 years old!) to be genuine and to discover God’s best for them because they are through with pretending and are willing to start “becoming.” This is at the heart of any transformational ministry, and so I would think an effort to remove the very thing that hinders this sense of security would be tantamount.
By enforcing the No-Gossip Policy, what I am really doing is helping people to deal with conflict biblically. This has included seeing people develop the spiritual and life skills necessary to find their healing in Christ alone, to seek out and discover courage in the midst of conflict, and to go the full nine yards toward reconciliation as far as it depends upon them.
A deepening of faith happens as people actually step out in obedience to Christ and see Him faithful to never leave them, to provide for them, to protect them, to lead and guide them, etc. The No-Gossip Policy actually helps you help others build a faith they can live by in the months and years to come. This makes for believers who are not frightened to love, able to risk pain and even rejection if it be most to the glory of Christ. This will in turn deepen fellowship in whatever body of believers they associate with, which will in turn glorify Christ even more! You will start to see circles of Christians who truly trust one another, depend on one another, share and care for one another intimately. Friendships that go beyond friendliness to a bond that can only be developed in the power of the Holy Spirit. Training your son or daughter (or staff members or church members) correctly in this way plants seeds for a crop of courageous Christians who love Jesus Christ passionately, are completely convinced of His love for them, and so are freed to love one another with abandon as Christ desires. And all that just by killing gossip!!! Yay!
DANGERS?
Are there any dangers associated with the No-Gossip Policy? Some of them have already been mentioned (safety and the need for wise counsel). Another one is legalism. Be sure this policy is rooted in, drenched in and radiating GRACE – for without grace, none of us will truly learn a thing! As always, before putting an official policy into place, it is always wise to consult your legal advisors and/or board members, etc. to be sure you have the proper wording, philosophy, etc. for your specific situation/organization.
When Is Gossip NOT Gossip?
In the passages we’ve looked at, gossip is described as “tale bearing” and “complaining” against the brethren. You can tell gossip by what is at the root: a desire for destruction of some kind. (John 10:10). So what about when we have gone to Christ and honestly sought wisdom from the Wonderful Counselor, and yet still feel a need for input from a more mature believer before proceeding further? Is that gossip? I have found the following questions helpful to ask myself and/or others in our attempt to be above reproach (Phil. 2:15), while still seeking out wise counsel when necessary (Prov. 1:5).
1. Are you wanting to share in order to destroy someone or something, or are you trying to find help toward a biblical, Christ-exalting response to someone or something? If your hearts desire is to have a biblical response, seek wise counsel. If you are wanting to destroy and not intent on restoring, you may be gossiping.
2. Have you attempted to figure out what to do by going to Christ? What did you discover? (Write down anything you already know to do, and feel able to do, before going and seeking counsel from a more mature believer). If you haven't discovered anything and are still very much confused, you should seek out wise counsel.
3. Is there a danger that you could make things worse by going forward without more counsel? If so, seek out wise counsel (Prov. 1:5; Prov. 3:13; Prov. 10:13; Prov. 13:10; Prov. 24:14) even if it means having to share details about a situation. Make sure the person can be trusted and is more mature than you are (exhibits more spiritual fruit than you do).
4. Are you seeing an unhealthy relationship pattern that you need help breaking out of, and are having a hard time doing so alone? Seek wise counsel, even if it means sharing details about conversations, etc.
5. Are you willing to be held accountable to proceed with whatever the counsel is of the person you are seeking counsel from, even if that includes being helped to reconcile with the person in question at some point in the future? If so, seek wise counsel. If you are not willing to be held accountable to follow the advice/counsel of the person you are seeking out, you may be just seeking to gossip.
6. Is it possible to share what you need to share and get wisdom/input without sharing the names of the people involved? If so, that is an easy way to avoid gossip and still get wise counsel prior to handling the situation. If it’s not possible, you may still need to share and get wise counsel before proceeding further.
Other passages to consider in our effort to be a biblical community of believers: Phil. 2:15; Romans 15:14; Col. 3:13, 16; 1 Thess. 5:11; Hebrews 3:13, Hebrews 10:24. Remember to pray, seek Him and His Word for all your decisions, including decisions regarding conflict resolution.
May you find God’s best as you seek to be a blessing in this world by killing gossip and crafting biblical community! Let me know if you have any additions, suggestions and/or questions about this article or topic!
Scripture quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible®,Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973,1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)
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